Finding God’s Strength in Grief’s Pain

As I lay here, dealing with the usual cramping pain that most women deal with every month, I am reminded of loss. That seems like such a strange statement to those who don’t know me well; but let me explain a little more. First, let me define the word loss. Loss: The state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value. Someone or something of value…..

I’m sure many people reading this have experienced loss, unfortunately it’s a part of all life. Grandparents, fathers, mothers, aunts, uncles and even children have been grieved by many. And every time there is a loss there is a crowd of people to embrace you and tell you they are sorry, they are here for you and they understand how you feel. It all comes from a place of love and sometimes is truly a genuine understanding of how you feel. But, when you are the one in the middle of a traumatic loss, you feel totally alone and like no one could possibly understand you.

I have comforted many people in my life who have had to deal with loss, and I tried to be understanding thinking I could help them. It wasn’t till I experienced my own loss that I finally understood. Now I’m not talking about a loss that was expected, like your 90 year old grandmother (I’m not saying those losses’ don’t hurt either). I’m talking about hope, dreams and joy being ripped out from underneath you when you least expect it. The type of loss that has you on your knees begging God to help you, while also asking why! The type of loss you feel for a very long time, and never really goes away. The loss of a child.

Now I was not blessed with time to meet my child, to see their smiling face or see them take their first step, hear the first words and have them call me mommy. No, my child was taken from me long before that. 6 months before I would be able to even feel the pains of labor met with the joy of a new baby, I had to feel the pains of labor and loss. My baby died in my womb before I even gave it a name. I was devastated. I begged God to save my baby, to bring it back to life so it could continue to grow inside me and that I would make sure to teach it his word and it would do amazing things for Him! I blamed myself for the baby’s death. I wasn’t thrilled when I first found out I was pregnant, I mean we have 6 kids already, we were stretched pretty thin. Now this would que the comment “this was God protecting you and only giving you what you can handle”…. Bull! Don’t ever tell someone who lost a baby that, it’s the most insensitive comment you could ever make. I would rather have the sleepless nights and stress of 7 children than the gut wrenching pain, emotionally and physically, of losing a baby! Because of my selfish thoughts, I thought God was taking my baby away from me as a punishment. I was naive in my grief.

I had been pretty distant from God for a while before this happened. So much was happening in my life, so much change and stress, that I lost sight of Him. I stopped reading my bible everyday, heck not even once a week. I stopped praying as much and listening to sermons. I just felt alone and lost. I didn’t know how to find me. I stopped covering (at first from the pain of my Fibromyalgia ) and went back to my old ways before. But when I was losing my baby, I began to pray again, I began to seek God! In that moment of weakness I opened myself back up so God could finally get back in.

I’m not saying God took my baby because he wanted me to be closer to him, he could have allowed my child to go to save it from suffering, maybe there were going to be some issues that God knew would couldn’t handle. I’m not sure the reason, but I know what God’s word tells me…..

John 11: 25-26

25 Jesus saith unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: 26 And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.

2 Corinthians 4: 17-18

17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; 18 While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted

Luke 18: 15-16

15 And they brought unto him also infants, that he would touch them: but when his disciples saw it, they rebuked them. 16 But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God

Revelation 21: 4-5

4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. 5 And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

I could fill this page with God’s holy word, filled with good news, comfort and amazing grace. We have a gracious and merciful God. If it weren’t for his words and for the strength he provides me I wouldn’t be able to get through the loss I have felt. I honestly don’t know how people with no faith get through it…. No human understanding and love could help me through my suffering. Losing my child was painful, not just physically but mentally. I have been mentally exhausted from this loss. Even to this day I have moments were I want to just lay in my bed and cry!

There is nothing wrong with feeling sad for what we no longer have, but, we can’t live our lives in a state of depression feeling sorry for ourselves. This life is short on this earth especially with the ever growing cancer of sin. Ecclesiastes 11: 10 says Therefore remove sorrow from thy heart, and put away evil form thy flesh: for childhood and youth are vanity and Romans 6: 23 says, For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Focusing on what we have in this life is meaningless, our focus needs to be eternal life, because eternal life is a long time! I have no doubt that my son is in heaven feeling the peace, joy and love I will never fully understand until I’m standing at the feet of Jesus. When I think about that I smile, and cry tears of joy for my baby, and think what a lucky boy! I can’t wait to be up there with him one beautiful day.

God allowed me the blessing of knowing my baby was a boy after I delivered him from my womb. He didn’t come out in small little pieces like I was told he would. We were able to bury him in a flower pot with a baby paw paw tree that we will some day plant at our property we may someday own. My amazingly supportive husband and I named him Amos which means “carried by God”, because names are important as God teaches us in the bible and I couldn’t find a name more fitting than that.

Loss is hard. The pain never really goes away, it lingers in the background always. Once in a while the pain will surface but more as a memory and if you rely on God for your strength and comfort, you’ll begin to notice a warm embrace. I feel it every time I think about the fact that I would be feeling my baby kicking and rolling around inside my belly right now if he was still alive; I feel this warm embrace, like God is physically holding my tired body telling me “It’s ok my child, I’ve got you, I am your strength, just rely on me and everything will be ok”.

He is there with us, he has always been there. Some feel him and choose not to let him in and others have been closed off from him for so long they can’t feel him at all. Psalm 46:1 says “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”. John 3:16 tells us “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” He is there! Are you listening? Open your heart to him and let him fill you with his warm embrace, with his everlasting, merciful and gracious love. There is no greater comfort.

Please message me if you have comments or questions on grief, God and salvation. I’m always here to help the best I can or if you just need prayers! This was an emotional post but I’m so glad to share it! Thank you all and God bless!